In normal times, getting up to drive into NYC at 4:30am would not qualify as "A Good Day", at least not for an old night owl more accustomed to traveling the other direction through the tunnel at these ungodly hours after a night of merriment. Traveling east-bound for a 7am brain MRI is a gentle reminder that life is a circuitous, unpredictable journey without a script, blueprint, or a guarantee. It had been just over 45 days since my world became inverted upon itself with a colon cancer diagnosis, accompanied by four tumors pressing on the base of my brain. This morning, Doreen and I were driving in to NYU Hospital for a follow-up to determine if the Gamma Knife Radiation Surgery successfully treated the brain tumors, and to see if any others had made their way into my dome. I have become fairly effectual at fighting back panic and dread in the last months, I have my moments, but for the most part I have it under control - this morning, I was fighting hard on that trip in. Doreen was being optimistic, and I wanted to be, but quietly, I was struggling. Struggling so much so that I didn't have time to overthink the claustrophobia of laying in the MRI machine for 30 minutes. Doreen kept asking me if I wanted them to give me a sedative, but I wasn't in the right mode to process much. I couldn't recall if I had a sedative at the last MRI ? I declined the sedative, and almost immediately regretted that decision when the motor on the MRI started rolling me back into the machine. "UGH! what am I thinking ?" Thankfully, it was all of about 5 seconds before I was able to calm myself and realize that my stress had nothing to do with the claustrophobia, but with what the results of the MRI would show. I was now calm and the 30 minutes actually went rather quickly.
After a fantastic breakfast with my brothers and sister-in-law Carlyn, who had all once again come in to NYC to be by Doreen's and my side, it was time to go meet with the head of Neurosurgery, and go over the MRI results. I don't remember ever being so nervous in my life. Prior to meeting with the doctor, the nurse had to check my vitals, and my resting heart rate, which usually sits between 50-60bpm was now at 89 - and I could feel every one of them, like a bongo drum.
Throughout this ordeal, I have purposely shielded myself from certain data and information, in an effort to stay focused and not become overwhelmed. I had purposely never seen the initial MRI with the four brain tumors, and was now viewing it for the first time on a nice bright 27" High Resolution Monitor in the doctor's office. I could not believe the size of the biggest of the four tumors. It was alarming to me, and I could now feel myself quivering and starting to get emotional. When the doctor pulled up the current images from this morning, and showed me that the 4 tumors were now vanquished, I lost it. " please don't be a dream.. please don't be a dream.. " There were a lot of emotions in that office. A lot of hugs. I struggled to ask the question " is this all good news ? " to which he replied " Mr Fahey, the news couldn't be any better."
There are no guarantees. I still have a long fight ahead to control the rest of the cancer in my colon, liver, and lungs. I have to go back every few months for follow up brain MRI's to make sure no new tumors make their way north, but this was a huge first hurdle. We had to clear this hurdle or the rest were pointless. This was a big one that we were worried about and we are thrilled beyond words and encouraged to keep fighting like hell.
Chemo treatment #3 starts tomorrow afternoon.. Bring it the F on !