It had been since 2012 that the Yankees had won a playoff series, not too long ago for a spoiled fan, but enough years back to where my 8yr olds don't remember watching. Jimmy especially invested a lot of time in the team this past season, watching the games with me until his bedtime, then falling asleep to the game on the radio. He would always have his binders of baseball cards at his side to flip through while we watched and would reference the players stats as they stepped into the batters box. I was thrilled for him that the team made a playoff run this year, and was proud of how he handled them losing "its ok, Daddy, they are a young team and will have another chance next year". Gigi likes going to Yankee stadium, but she doesn't have much use for the games on TV ( "its too boring" ) unless her favorite player, Didi Gregorius is up. I always call her over to the TV when Didi is up because she has this thing where she has to announce how he is her favorite player of all time, and she does it "in character". She puts an affect on her voice when she says his name that sounds equal parts George Costanza's mom and Carol Kane. " I love Didi Gregorious ".. Its hilarious , mostly because when you ask her why she says it like that, she pretends she has no idea what you are talking about. " What do you mean, that is my normal voice " she will say , with a coy smile..
For me, the timing of the playoff run was a perfect excuse to finally hook up the outdoor projector and screen I purchased over the summer, but more importantly, an opportunity to reemerge from my self-imposed exile. Since the initial hospital stay a month prior, I had not seen or spoken to many people, which was my own choice. I just knew that I wouldn't handle it well from an emotional / mental perspective. For whatever reason, I needed to get through the first chemo treatment strong, and feel like I had some control over this new reality. I wish I could articulate it better, but I don't fully understand it. I've been fighting a daily, day long battle to remain focused and positive, and not let my mind collapse in emotion, because its hard for me to climb out of it. Its exhausting. Besides Doreen and the kids, I had a handful of family that I could handle seeing daily without going into an emotional tailspin. ( I had already been through the tailspin when I saw each of them the first time ). I was able to text and email with others, and that was great for me, but I knew that if I got on the phone with, or saw these folks in person I would continue to spiral. Like I said, I don't fully understand it, and I know its all in my mind, but I had to exile myself for a bit. The good news is that Its getting a little better.
Last week, a close friends had reached out via text to say "Go Yanks, hope you will be watching". It was mid-morning on Weds, with Game 5 on the schedule that night. I looked at the forecast and saw it was going to be a great fall evening, not too cold and with clear skies. Screw it.. I was ready to be a little brave. I pinged Doreen at work and said "I'm going to invite a couple of folks over". Doreen wasn't shocked because I kept trying to get to this point for over a week, but Im sure she was relieved. We had talked about how if we did something like this at our house, where I was comfortable, I could always excuse myself and disappear for a bit if my emotions were getting the best of me.
I cooked up a storm, got the fireplace ready and must have told myself 3,000 times "you can do this, you can do this". When I told the kids as they got off the bus, they both screamed with excitement. We ended up having a handful of family and friends come out, most I had not yet seen.. The hugs felt absolutely euphoric , and although I fought getting choked up, I never had to disappear to collect myself. I had an absolute blast and got to laugh and hang with some of my favorite people in the world. I was so happy. I slept more soundly that night than I had in months. We all had such a great time that we did it all over again for game 7, and had a few more friends come out. Again, I had a lot of anxiety and doubts for the hours leading up to it, but as soon as the hugging started, I was in a good place. It was, once again, such a fantastic evening for me, despite the final score and Yanks being eliminated. I feel like I'm getting there and starting to get my mojo back, one baby step at a time.. Im not rushing it . Im going to keep fighting and keep on keeping on. Love to all.
