" I wish I was a headlight, on a Northbound train.. I'd shine my light through the cool Colorado rain .. "
The lyric is from the old, traditional blues song "I Know You Rider", which has been recorded and performed by numerous artists over the years, but is most often associated with The Grateful Dead, who performed it live hundreds of times across 4 decades. Its a great song on its own, but there is something about the way Jerry Garcia sings the line above that has always given me chills. In the hundreds of live versions in my own collection, there are times when the line is sung and performed within the cadence and tone of the entire rest of the song. It doesn't necessarily stand out, because the singer chooses it not to. Other times, the line transcends and becomes something else entirely. In those versions, it moves from calm to an almost jarring, impassioned distraught - then returns to calmness in a moment. The vocal and guitar grab you by the collar and, for me, its the most passionate Jerry ever gets. Its pure magic. It's Jerry's "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight" Dylan Thomas moment. He had his well documented on and off struggles throughout the years and those close him have suggested these special "gusto versions" coincide with when Jerry was battling with his obstacles and challenges. When he wanted to fight and shine through his Colorado rains....
( here is a sample of they lyric from a 1974 live show )
Im dealing with my own Colorado Rain right now.
A month ago, an MRI revealed that the severe headaches I had been fighting for a week were the result of the pressure that multiple tumors were boisterously applying near the back of my brain stem. The tumors turned out to be from undiagnosed cancer that apparently started in my colon and had spread to other parts of my body.. Not ideal.. Without boring you with too much distressing detail, I spent a bunch of days in the hospital, had Gamma Knife Radiation brain surgery at NYU and now am under the amazing care of Sloan Kettering, who have me on an aggressive chemotherapy treatment plan. The hope is that the Gamma Knife wiped out the brain tumors ( I go back in November for tests ) and that the chemo fights off the other tumors..
Im lucky in that I was in very good shape prior to this diagnosis. It had been 7 years since I took control of my weight and fitness ( I was at 224 lbs at the time ). I worked hard. I worked my ass off. Within 6 months I had dropped over 45 lbs through healthy eating and vigorous exercise. I ignored anyone who said “you look too skinny” ( I still get this ) - this was never a vanity move - I was a dad in his 40’s with small children and I wanted to be able to run with them, keep up with them. I wanted to coach little league and basketball like my dad did for me. I didn't want to lay on the couch and tell them I was too tired to take them on adventures. Getting back in shape changed my life. I have never looked back and never gotten back over 175-180 lbs, the same weight I graduated high school at. Too skinny ? Too driven... Four days before I initially went to the hospital, I weighed 177 lbs and had the round of golf of my life at 48yrs old, through a migraine. I had 3 drives roll over 300 yds and took 50 clams off my dear friend Tommy Glancey ( despite, unbeknownst to me, tumors pressing on my brain, which I’ll never let him forget by the way ).. Two days before I initially went to the hospital I took an advil and then ran our new dog 5 miles with hills. She was the one who needed to lay down for 10 mins halfway back, not me. The good news here is that the team at Sloan Kettering were ecstatic with my vitals. My resting heart rate is off the chart. My lungs, my metabolism, my blood work qualified me for very aggressive chemotherapy that is not available to most patients and certainly would not have been available to a 224 lb out of shape, Jimbo. Treatment has started, its early, but I haven’t shown any real side effects from the chemo. My body, so far, has tolerated things wonderfully. Im encouraged - which is most important thing right now.
My battle at this point is to remain focused on what is forward and stay positive, stay encouraged. I can't let my mind drift to the "why me" , "what if" anxieties. Its a struggle and its mentally exhausting. I have spent entire days consciously trying to fight off dire thoughts. I've gotten myself panicked and run down.. Some days were brutal, but its getting better. Im finding ways to distract myself. My brother in law Joe hung my instruments on the wall of my office so they are always within reach, and Im playing a lot more. I have good friends and family that Im looking forwarding to jamming with. I've started to finish half-written songs that I long abandoned. Its been cathartic. I have also immersed myself in my love of moviemaking. Its been a few years, so I'm relearning a lot of the software and trying to get my camera working properly, but its been fun and challenging- and I need that right now. The kids and I are currently working on a Halloween video and some stop motion animation. They are excited by it, which supercharges me. Im going to keep working on the distractions.. Im going to keep fighting.. Im not giving up for anything. Im focused and moving full steam ahead , full bore on the throttle, no need for the brakeman..
Im a headlight on a northbound train , and Im going to shine my light strong through this rain..
